**\#️⃣ Tags:** #Psychology #Relational #Developmental > **🌱 Planted:** Wed 25 June 2025 --- ![[Authenticity Over Attachment.png]] [[Gabor Maté]] talks about how we're all born with two essential needs: 1. [[Attachment]] — our biological need for love, connection, safety and belonging. 2. Authenticity — our need to stay connected to our inner truth; to feel what we feel, know what we know, and to express ourselves honestly (and be heard, seen, understood, loved and valued for it). > [!quote] > “Most people abandon their true selves (authenticity) to please others and keep the relationships (attachments), even if they are ones that are toxic and destructive.” — [[Gabor Maté]] In [[Attachment#Secure Attachment in Adults|Secure Attachment]], these two needs are met (or met at least to a decent degree). For many of us though, particularly with [[Developmental Trauma]] backgrounds, being authentic threatened our attachment. We suppressed our authenticity to stay connected, and we lost touch with our instinct, silenced our truth, and adopted protective strategies to please others. In other words, as children, we likely had a palpable felt sense of "if I am authentically me, my parents are going to reject me"... "if I express my truth, it'll impact or even hurt my parents". Parents confirm those messages unconsciously all the time, so that is what we took on. Not necessarily because they meant to, because they're not trying their best, because they didn't want the best for us, but because they themselves are hurt, stressed, repressed or [[Trauma|traumatised]]. The core message that is conveyed is that we are not acceptable or okay exactly as we are (see: [[Narcissistic Wounding]]). For any child, that is terrifying. As adults, this can leave us feeling empty, anxious, distressed and disconnected from who we truly are at the core of our being. We have a fear of being ourselves, because being ourselves once threatened our existence. This is what happens when authenticity and attachment are in conflict, as Gabor often speaks about. # Choosing Authenticity It is possible to 'earn' secure attachment in adulthood. I'm not the biggest fan of the word 'earn', because it implies we need to do something other than just be ourselves, but I believe we can achieve this when we begin choosing authenticity over attachment. A lot of people choose attachment over authenticity. And it makes sense why — it is the safest and least scary route, after all. But if we wish to reach true health, achieve full spectrum integration and [[Become Who You Are|become who we truly are]], choosing authenticity over attachment is what we must do. **But how do we choose authenticity?** It starts with increasing awareness around what your own authenticity looks like. It's a process, it often involves a lot of inner work, and it takes time. For now though, here's some simple places to start: **Reflect on your early relational experiences and how they shaped you:** - How did your family system relate to emotions? - What emotions were safe for you to express, and which felt unsafe? - In what situations did you need to hide certain [[Parts]] of yourself to keep you safe? **Tune into your bodily Felt Sense and wisdom:** The body is always communicating with us. It just depends if we're able to notice it. - Notice what it's like when something feels true versus when something feels false. How do you tend to notice that in your body? - Do you have any tensions in the body around certain people or circumstances? - Do you notice your breathing shift at all? **Notice when you feel most "you":** - In which moments do you feel most aligned, at ease and most yourself? - What activities evoke a sense of [[Presence]], curiosity or flow? **Learn about who you are:** You can do this through many avenues, like journalling or [[Parts Work]]. - What brings you alive? - What genuinely interests you? - What are you tired of pretending to enjoy? **Examine patterns in relationships:** - Do you struggle to ask for support? - Do you often sacrifice your needs for the other? - Where do you become anxious or withdrawn? # Repairing Attachment > [!quote] > “A growing body of evidence indicates that these three variables – having had a loving, supportive figure available in early childhood, having undergone indepth psychotherapy, and/or being in a stable relationship with a supportive spouse – are perhaps the most important elements in breaking the intergenerational cycle of emotional damage” — Robert Karen In [[Becoming Attached by Robert Karen]], Robert says repairing attachment involves the following: **Grieving what was lost, and the things that should've happened, but didn't.** We need to acknowledge and grieve the truth about the childhood we never had. The unconditional love, the emotional safety, the permission to just be ourselves. That loss needs to be grieved and integrated. **Addressing and resolving shame.** Shame tells us that we are fundamentally flawed, broken, not okay, defective or deficient in some way. It doesn't allow us to acknowledge the emotional truth of what we experienced. **Experiencing new and healthy relationships.** Either through therapy/coaching, an intimate partnership or deep friendship, we need to experience new ways of relating to others that lead us into entirely new ways of being and experiencing ourselves. **Examine our current relational patterns.** With adult awareness, we can notice how our early attachments show up in current relationships. There's several questions in the section above to reflect upon. **Practicing healthier ways of connecting.** When we've learnt new and healthier models and ways of relating, we need to reinforce these by practicing them across our relationships. # Becoming Secure Becoming securely attached as an adult requires us to learn to be our authentic selves while maintaining healthy relationships (choosing authenticity over attachment). According to the study [[How Can I Become More Secure? — A Grounded Theory of Earning Secure Attachment]] published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, there's three focal categories in which we need to work within to lead us to more secure attachment: ![[Process Model Earning Secure Attachment.png]] 1. **Foundations (Meta-Conditions) of Earning Secure Attachment** It starts with the recognition that healing requires deliberate ongoing effort. We need to be consistent and intentional because it takes a while for these wounds to heal. Next, we need to find good, healthy surrogate attachment figures. This is about having people in our lives who model what a healthy relationship actually looks like. Lastly, we need to take action and ask for support, whether that's in coaching, therapy, educational programs, group work or self-led inner work. 2. **Inner Work (Intrapsychic Changes)** This is about redefining our identity and worth through taking a stand for who we want to be, seeing old protections as what was required, with compassion, and transforming our perceived negative self-images into [[Presence]]-led qualities. Inner Work here involves taking full ownership, accountability and responsibility for our actions and healing journey. 3. **Relationship Work (Interpersonal Changes)** Eventually, when we're ready, we can look to make peace with the past by changing our views, expectations and feelings towards our parents or caregivers (whilst still holding healthy boundaries). It also means taking small risks with our newly replenished view on relationships by joining communities, putting ourselves out there, having enriching experiences with others and seeking support when we need it. Eventually, as we heal, we can become someone who can offer support, care and mentorship to others who are on the same path.