**\#️⃣ Tags:** #Wisdom --- Every single one of us comes into this world with a need to have our [[We all have normal developmental needs|normal developmental needs]] met. When this happens, our personal subjectivity and right to exist is validated. We feel seen, heard, understood, loved and valued, and we feel as though it is okay to be who we are, exactly as we are. When these needs go unmet though, [[When our normal developmental needs go unmet, we are left deeply wounded|we are left deeply wounded]]. Think of a little child who's only a few years old—eyes so bright with wonder, their soul filled with innocence—reaching out to their parents to share something exciting they've just discovered about the world. But, instead of their parents meeting them with curiosity and enthusiasm, they're distracted, rejecting or maybe even hostile. In that moment, something profound happens—the child learns it's not okay to be who they are, exactly as they are. So they internalise that experience, and it hurts them on the inside. They don't know what is going on or why, but it hurts. If it happens over and over again, a wound opens up. This is what we call the narcissistic wound. This wound doesn't mean someone is a "narcissist", because mostly everyone on this planet has a narcissistic wounding to some degree or another. It means there's been a fundamental injury to our own personal subjectivity and sense of self. When our essential essence and true nature is invalidated, dismissed or disrespected, it creates a wound so deep it is as if the very core of the self has been fundamentally pierced or shattered in some way. # Why It Forms The wound is typically formed in our childhood within our early developmental years when we most need our parents or caregivers to help us understand and validate who we are. Through what [[人 Donald Winnicott]] calls "[[Our caregivers don't need to be perfect, they just need to be good enough|Good Enough Mothering]]" where caregivers provide a holding environment by [[Our normal developmental needs are met through empathic attunement and mutual recognition|empathically attuning]] to our [[We all have normal developmental needs|emotional needs]], mirroring our experiences, and offering a secure base for exploration, we can develop into our truest and most authentic selves. When the environment isn't this way though, we instead grow into what Winnicott calls the "false self" where the child adapts to the environment and needs of the parent in order to secure love and survive. The false self is born out of this wound, which causes us to repress our true feelings and needs, as well as our genuine aliveness and natural spontaneity. # How It Shapes Us When the attunement and mirroring we need to feel safe, secure and have a healthy sense of self is inadequate, inconsistent, or is missing entirely, we begin to question our fundamental right to exist in this world exactly as we are. Our personal subjectivity and essential identity has been invalidated which can leave us feeling self-conscious, shameful, broken, defective, not good enough, rejected or even abandoned. Because our personal subjectivity and essential identity has been invalidated, this wound can really influence how we move through life. We might: - Have difficulty trusting our own wants, needs, feelings and experiences. - Become hypersensitive to criticism or perceived rejection. - Develop perfectionism or an unrelenting drive to achieve and prove our worth. - Feel a deep or hidden sense of shame or fundamental unworthiness. - Seek validation and nurturing while at the same time doubting it or pushing it away. # Why this matters Understanding the narcissistic wound helps us to recognise that our struggles with self-worth and identity aren't because of something inherently wrong with us—rather they're natural responses to our [[We all have normal developmental needs|normal developmental needs]] which went unmet in our early developmental years. It enables us to understand that in order to heal, we need to get these needs met—whether that be working with a psychotherapist, coach or in [[❍ Parts Work]]. It shows us that [[The loss of our personal subjectivity is passed on generationally|this wound is passed on generationally]], and gives us insight into how generational [[✦ Developmental Trauma]] is actually perpetuated. And maybe, if we're open to it and once we're ready, we can access compassion and understanding for the people who hurt us—because they were hurt too. # Explore - [[We all have normal developmental needs]]. - [[Narcissism is a healthy part of being human, not a flaw]]. - [[Narcissism exists on a spectrum, reflecting the development of our ego]]. - [[The loss of our personal subjectivity is passed on generationally]]. - [[Relational power dynamics arise from the existential need to establish one's own subjectivity]]. - [[Externalisers and internalisers are two sides of the same wound]]. # Expand - See [[✦ Object Relations]] for the understanding around how [[Our sense of self unfolds intersubjectively, not separately|Our sense of self unfolds intersubjectively]]. - [[Narcissistic family systems prioritise the needs of the parents over the children|The Narcissistic Family System]] describes a the dynamics of a family system where this wound exists in both the parents and the children.