**🔼 Up:** [[🆕 Posts|Posts]] --- Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote any kind of update. I can't believe it's already been four months since my last one. I'm writing this on the 17th June 2025, so it's not even the end of the month yet (which is when I usually write these). I just needed a place to come and get my thoughts out. I've been through a lot over the past couple months. Truthfully, I have been through a lot over the past few years. I can't possibly begin to convey what 'a lot' means here, but it's just... a lot. In March, I burnt out pretty badly and was forced to leave my job. I've been spending the last few months recovering. There's been many days where I've just been laid on the couch, wondering if I will ever be okay or if I will ever get my energy back or if I will ever be able to enjoy life again. It's been rough. My energy has been so up and down. Some days, for a brief moment, I'll have energy and inspiration, the rest of the time there's just... nothing. A void. That's a terrifying place to be in for a person who built his life around constant busyness, doing and striving for achievement. And since my body literally said no for me, because I clearly wasn't listening, I've been forced to feel... everything. Like everything. I'll just say what is there is also... a lot. My healing and developmental journey has just been a constant reminder to: - Not push or force anything, because [[Change Without Force|change happens without force]]. - Live within the questions and uncertainty rather than seek for answers. - Appreciate and revel in the developmental journey rather than strive for any destination, because the path is the goal. - Confront the reality of what is, exactly as it is, and be with it with [[Change Agenda|no agenda to change it]]. This one has been especially true when it comes to the reality of my nervous system and the state the poor thing has been in for much of my life. So now, I don't know what the hell anything means anymore. Where I am going. Where I thought all this was going to lead to. I've had to take a giant step back and just sit with massive waves of uncertainty and instability. I've been afraid to even say I have the intention to do something because I can never be certain my body and nervous system will be in a state to go through with it. I lost a lot of my motivation to write online, and I love writing. The pain of not being able to do the things that bring you joy is unbearable. But, what I can say is I am in a good place of acceptance right now. I've had to be—there's been no other choice. The more I allow myself to surrender to what is, the more I catch glimpses of my creative and life force energy. My practice right now is to do more of that. As for writing here, the motivation just hasn't been there. Sometimes I wonder if I should just take everything down and stop because the pain of not knowing what it is that I am doing is too much. I was hoping I would be in some kind of nice flow and cadence by now, but I'm just not. I'm not going to do that though, because instead I am choosing to trust in Life and whatever this process is, no matter what happens, what the outcome is, if it turns out to be good, great, terrible, awful or anything in-between. This trust is born out of a vague felt sense that I can feel. I don't know what it is saying to me exactly, but whatever this is, whatever I am doing here in The Book just feels really important. There is a sense of a deep vision that is unborn. A certain way I need to structure this out and unearth concepts. The way it is right now just isn't hitting the mark for me, and I can't proceed doing something if it doesn't feel aligned. I did that for my whole life and look how that turned out—I burnt out because I felt like a human robot and I couldn't make it anymore. I'm not doing that **ever again**. Lately, I've been asking myself "what am I optimising for?". I don't mean optimising in a maximalist way. I mean it in terms of orientation—as in, what am I orienting toward. I know the answer to that question. What it is that I am optimising for is inner peace, presence and stillness. I don't care about anything else. I don't need to experience grand things in life to feel fulfilled and peaceful. All I care about is feeling regulated in [[Presence]]. It hasn't been all 'bad' though. I've learnt a lot about what I do and don't find joy in doing. Actually, I see none of this as bad. It just is. And it is what is needed. Anywho, it's getting late. It's time for me to head off now, and I need to go to bed. If anyone ever ends up reading this from the future... what are you optimising for? What feels true to you? What lands in the deepest parts of your being? Contemplate on that. Find whatever that is, and go toward it no matter what. # An Update (To The Update) It is Monday June 30, and I am coming in to update my update with another update. You know, pretty much instantly after I wrote all of this, I started to get the impulse and motivation to write. Strange how that works. It is almost like the [[Parts|Part]] of me that wrote that really needed to get that off the chest. Once that happened, I felt somewhat liberated. Not only did I follow the impulse to write, I also had insights into restructuring things and how I go about writing pages for the site. It was like whatever had been blocking was removed. I'm sure it won't be the last roadblock I come up against, but I'm not complaining. It definitely feels like I have been able to reorient to some kind of a vision. From this, I was able to get a lot more clarity around how I want to use the 'Explore' and 'Expand' sections in the left sidebar and as such, I was subsequently freed up to add new pages and concepts. I was writing about a lot of cool concepts and ideas, but they've been tucked away in the 'Threads' section under 'Elements', and that made me feel bad, for various reasons. I will be progressively surfacing many of those into 'Explore' section where they can be better accessed and I think, better understood amidst the context of the site. A lot of this won't make sense right now, but explanations around how to navigate the site and what each section means will be available soon on the [[🧭 Orientation]] page. I also got the [[❓ About]] page written up (finally). One thing I've started to think about it: how on earth do I go about promoting this site so people can actually find it? Looking at my analytics a while back, there was a stage where I had a few thousand people visiting per month (if you are reading this, hello, and thank you!). I think that's since gone down a fair bit but still, it is very cool to see! I have big visions for this site and how it might fit into the broader ecosystem of creative projects I want to partake in online. It's part of a bigger message I feel called to deliver. But (there's always a but). I don't really like promotional activities. It definitely doesn't come natural to me. So that's something I am going to need to work through and ponder over the coming months. I just wanted to come back to add this in before the month closes out. Thank you, be well, and see you next time! --- **➡️ Next:** [[]] **⬅️ Back:** [[05. February 2025 — The Source]] --- *It won't let me embed it, but I was playing the [Interstellar Theme Song 'Day One'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPA6T0la6uI) on loop while writing this one.*