**⏺️ With:** [[Memory Reconsolidation]], [[Core Material]], [[Parts#Hurt Parts|Hurt Parts]] **\#️⃣ Tags:** #Psychotherapy #Healing #Developmental > **🌱 Planted:** Mon 14 July 2025 --- **The missing experience is the experience that wants to happen.** We all have moments in our childhood where some (sometimes even many) of our [[Developmental Needs]] were not met. These moments may leave scars, but they almost always leave holes which have a palpable sense of 'something missing'. These moments are what we call missing experiences. Missing experiences centre around core needs like connection, safety, love, support and attention, and they shape our entire way of being both with ourselves and the outside world. Over time, these missing experiences give rise to implicit beliefs that modulate the way we see ourselves, interact with others and ultimately show up in the world. For example, we might have a core belief that 'I'm unloveable' and 'I'm on my own' because as a child whenever we asked for help, we were met with irritation, ridicule or hostility. And because we weren't supported, we concluded it must be because we were unloveable. So then when we are adults, we organise our behaviour around this by never asking for help and trying to do everything ourselves. Generally, there are two types of missing experiences: 1. **Unintegrated Painful Experiences**. These are the [[Trauma|Traumatic]] experiences we couldn't make sense of because they were too overwhelming for us as children. 2. **Nourishment That Was Never There**. The good things that should've happened, but didn't, like truly being seen, comforted or cared for. The traumatic experiences get buried and [[Repression|Repressed]] because they were too overwhelming to process. But the missed nourishment often isn't (although it can be depending on temperament and sensitivity) - it's more like a gap or absence that shows up in our behaviour patterns. We might be fully aware we struggle with trust or asking for help, but not realise we're unconsciously blocking these experiences even when they're available. So, for these experiences to be accessed, we need to study ourselves using [[Mindfulness]]. When we study the way we [[Organisation of Experience|Organise Our Experience]] and we come into contact with our [[Core Material]], what we'll often encounter is an experience held by our Inner Child that is still waiting and wanting to happen. This is how we heal ourselves. It isn't anything we 'do', it isn't even necessarily our therapist or coach's techniques... it is simply receiving the right nourishment, at the right time, in the right conditions. And guess what happens when we integrate these missing experiences? We can integrate the experience we missed out on, our [[Nervous System]] reorganises itself, and our development is free to progress. How this works physiologically is explained by [[Memory Reconsolidation]]. If you're working with a therapist or coach, find someone who knows how to help you get the nourishment you need so you can receive the missing experience. This can either be done by (the therapist/coach) working directly with the child, or with someone guiding you through [[Parts Work]] so you can provide the missing experience yourself. When you're providing the missing experience, you're working with [[Parts#Hurt Parts|Hurt Parts]], also known as your Inner Child. If you're looking for a therapist or coach, find someone who knows how to help you get the nourishment you need so you can integrate the experiences you missed out on in your development. The key here is that the therapist or coach doesn't just guide you to the missing experience, they literally become the missing experience for you. So back to our example of the implicit belief of 'I'm unloveable' and 'I'm on my own', the missing experience is provided when they consistently show up as someone who is both trustworthy and caring. We can also provide the missing experience ourselves through [[Parts Work]] as we work with our [[Parts#Hurt Parts|Hurt Parts]] (also known as our Inner Child), and this can be solo or guided (with a therapist or coach). # See Also - [[Hakomi Method]] - [[Object Relations]]