**🔼 Up:** **\#️⃣ Tags:** #Exercise #Self-Inquiry #Parts --- > [!quote] > "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” > — [[Carl Jung]] This is a powerful self-inquiry exercise from [[Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw]] that helps us to both discover and integrate split-off and lost Parts of ourselves by reflecting on the reactions we have to people who trigger negative emotions in us[^1]. # The Shadow Projection Mirror When something bothers us intensely about someone else, it's rarely only about them. Instead, the thing that bothers, annoys or frustrates us about them often touches upon a wound within us that comes along with Parts we've long forgotten and neglected. These Parts of us are want attention, and they're asking to be integrated. Through [[Defence Mechanisms]] like [[Projection|Projection]] or [[Projective Identification|Projective Identification]], we often displace what we cannot accept within ourselves and instead project outward. The people we come across who provoke our strongest activations and negatively charged reactions, whether these people are directly or indirectly in our lives, are the perfect mirrors for us to gaze into and find our own lost Parts. That's exactly what this exercise helps us do. By recognising the specific ways in which others trigger us, we can become aware of how that trigger mirrors a shadow projection within us, therefore pointing to Parts of ourselves which we've lost or [[Lab/01 Incubator/Sleeping/Repression|✦ Repressed]]. ## How It Works There's generally three aspects to the process of recognising our shadow projections and uncovering our lost Parts: 1. First, we get activated or triggered by a character trait we dislike in others (e.g. grandiosity, aggression). 2. Next, we see and become aware of the Parts of ourselves we over-identify with. The Part that we over-identify with usually holds the opposite quality to what we've been activated from (e.g. humility, being nice). 3. Then, with this knowledge and understanding, we look for the reverse of the over-identification and locate our lost Parts. These lost Parts hold the healthy version of our character traits we see in the other person (e.g. healthy pride in our achievements, healthy assertiveness). ### 1. The Activation The activation or trigger happens when someone's behaviour elicits an unusually strong reaction within us. This disproportionate response tells us that we've touched upon something hurtful and significant inside of us. It is the initial breadcrumbs that lead us to our lost Parts. When we notice ourselves having an outsized reaction, we can pause and ask ourselves: "Why does this particular behaviour affect me so deeply?". That's where all the clues are. To recognise this, pay particular attention to: - Specific traits trigger you most strongly. - The emotions and physical sensations that arise during these reactions. - Judgemental thoughts that happen automatically. ### 2. The Parts We Over-Identify With When we have a strong activating or triggering reaction to a trait or quality within someone else, we're often over-identified with its opposite quality. Over-identification means our [[Self-Concept]] and ego structures are built and attached to certain traits to the exclusion of their opposite and complementary energies. So if I'm activated that someone I work with comes off as grandiose because they're always boasting about their achievements, then I am likely over-identified with the Part of myself that believes it is virtuous to be humble to the detriment of the other genuine Part of myself (the lost Part—see below) that would love to have his achievements seen and congratulated. These over-identifications develop as adaptive strategies from our childhoods. While they protected us well in the past, they serve to limit our full-expression now as adults. ### 3. The Parts We've Lost Once we've seen and become aware of the Parts we over-identify with, we then look for its opposite and find the complementary pattern which points to our lost Parts. This is often not the extreme trait we reject in others, but the healthy energy or quality underneath it that we’ve repressed in ourselves because they were discouraged in our early childhood environment, didn't fit our adaptive and protective strategies, or seemed threatening to important relationships. Since these Parts of us are lost, the pattern we over-identify with requires a huge amount of energy to maintain. If we're always needing to be nice to others, we may not assert our boundaries or use our healthy aggression very well. When we integrate these parts, we reclaim their gifts and perspectives while freeing up vital energy that was previously used to keep them at bay. # Instructions ###### **1. List the people who activate or repulse you** Make a list of people who evoke a strong emotional reaction in you (irritation, contempt, judgement, criticism, superiority or disgust). Under each person, detail a couple lines about why this person affects you in this way, being sure to outline the character and moral traits that repel or activate you. ###### **2. Notice your reactions** Read through each name on your list. As you reflect on the qualities you dislike in this person, pay close attention to both your emotional and physical responses. Which traits bring out the strongest feeling of righteousness or moral superiority? Notice any tension in your body, changes in your breathing, or any emotions that come up. ###### **3. Identify their core traits** For each person, distill your criticism down to what you believe is the most reprehensible character trait that activates you. Try and be as precise and specific as you can. Some examples might be: - Grandiose and attention seeking. - Aggressive and confrontational. - People pleasing and inauthentic. - Over analytical and indecisive. - Irresponsible and unreliable. ###### **4. Find your over-identifications** For each person and main character trait you dislike, ask yourself "how is this person my teacher? What opposite quality might I be strongly attached to in my [[Self-Concept]]?". Write down these over-identifications as you discover them. Based on the examples, these might be: - If you're bothered by someone's grandiosity, you might be over-identified with being humble. - If you're irritated by someone's aggression, you might be over-identified with being peaceful or nice. - If you're annoyed by someone's people-pleasing behaviour, you might be over-identified with being authentic and direct. - If you're frustrated by someone's over-analysis, you might be over-identified with being decisive and action-oriented. - If you're angered by someone's irresponsibility, you might be over-identified with being dependable and structured. ###### **5. Find your lost parts** Now that you have a decent idea of your over-identifications, simply look for the healthy version of the trait you dislike in others. This represents your lost Part. It isn't the exact quality you see in the other person, but instead is the balanced expression of that energy you're likely using in it's opposite. Based on the examples, these might be: - If you're over-identified with being humble, your disowned part might be your healthy need for recognition and sharing your accomplishments. - If you're over-identified with being peaceful or nice, your disowned part might be your capacity for healthy assertiveness and setting boundaries. - If you're over-identified with being authentic and direct, your disowned part might be your ability to be tactful and considerate of other people's feelings. - If you're over-identified with being decisive and action-oriented, your disowned part might be your capacity for careful consideration and thoughtful analysis. - If you're over-identified with being dependable and structured, your disowned part might be your capacity for spontaneity and flexibility. ###### **6. Connect with and get to know your lost Parts** For each lost Part you've now found, connect with them through [[Parts Work]]. You can do this in solo Parts Work by journalling, quiet reflection, active imagination or simply dialoguing. You might like to ask questions like: - What do you think or feel? - How would my life change if I acknowledged and integrated you? - What gifts do you have to offer me? - What new perspective can you bring? ###### **7. Notice new energy** As you connect with and get to know your lost Parts, pay attention to any shifts in energy, new insights or creative solutions that come up. As these Parts feel seen, heard, understood, loved and valued for the exact way they are and you begin to integrate them, you free up energy that was previously spent keeping them suppressed. The goal here isn't to become like the people who trigger you, but to integrate the healthy, balanced expression of qualities you've lost in yourself. You don't need to identify completely with these newly discovered parts because that would only create a new imbalance. Instead, learn to hold both energies simultaneously and express from a centred and balanced place. ###### **8. Practice checking in** In the time that follows—specifically five hours after you make significant contact with a lost Part of yours (due to memory reconsolidation)—look for small micro moments to see, acknowledge and honour these rediscovered Parts of yourself. As you do this, notice how doing so might shift your reactions to the people on your list (along with their character traits). Often as we recall our projections, our intense emotional reactions to others also naturally diminish. # Things To Remember - If you feel this might activate an overwhelming response in you, please don't do it! You can shelve the exercise and maybe come back to it another time. - This exercise isn't about excusing harmful behaviour in others, but about using your reactions as a mirror for self-inquiry. - This work can bring up uncomfortable emotions, including shame. [[Go slow and be kind to yourself]]. - You don't need to share your list with anyone. This is deeply personal work. - You're not becoming these lost Parts entirely, because that would just be switching from one polarisation to another. The goal is to integrate and balance these energies. [^1]: The original title of the exercise is "Making Peace with All Your Villagers" and can be found on page 194.